Fragments of a Broken Mind

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 00:45:58 GMT

Chapter Four

The days dragged by slowly for Kate. She found herself feeling bored, not having anything really to do. Her mother tried to encourage her to go with her to the various community meetings she went to, but somehow Kate just couldn’t rally enough enthusiasm to listen to the minutes from the last Jackson Library Association meeting, much less sit through a whole new meeting. She was grateful that her mother was so involved, however.

One day Kate woke up to find her mother sitting at a sharp, new looking desk top computer that she hadn’t realized was on the desk in the den. Her mother wore her reading classes and was sitting close to the monitor, her fingers virtually flying over the keyboard.

“When you’d get a computer, mom?” She drew closer, realizing from the new text that kept popping up on the screen that her mother was in some kind of chat room.

“When Betsy Manor told me that there was a whole world on the computer that was just waiting to be used!” Elaine didn’t even stop her typing as she spoke.

“Who’re you chatting with?” Kate couldn’t help her curiosity.

“It’s my P-FLAG group, dear.”

Kate stared at her mother, shocked. “Your-your what?”

“P-FLAG. Paren—“

“I know what P-FLAG is, mom. I just never knew that…” She wasn’t sure how to finish the sentence. She was partly embarrassed, partly amused.

“Everyone in my group has said that I have to let you tell me in your own time,” Elaine said matter-of-factly, looking over the top of her reading classes at Kate for a brief moment before firing off a reply.

Kate took a deep breath, sensing for once just how lucky she was. She’d never spoken to either of her parents about being gay. After being outed in front of the entire town, school, and nearby population, she didn’t know what to say to them. She left almost immediately after anyway, never stopping to think about how her parents would deal with the fall-out. “I…I didn’t know what to say, mom, I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize, Katie. I joined this group because I wanted to understand you more, not because I needed you to tell me anything.” Elaine continued typing, clearly more at ease than Kate. “There’s a grocery list by the phone in the kitchen. Would you mind going to the store for me?”

“Of course not.” Kate replied immediately, glad that her mother had changed the subject.

“There’s money in my purse—“

“Don’t worry about it, I’ve got it.” Her savings could handle a trip to the grocery.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The small store was still laid out the same way it had been when Kate was younger. But the color scheme had changed, new signs blaring out sales and new products in harsh, neon colors. Grabbing a cart, Kate quickly familiarized herself with the list, mentally adding some things that she wanted, then began shopping.

As she went up and down the aisles, Kate quickly began to realize that people were staring at her. She recognized a few faces, but couldn’t place their names. None of them would look her in the eye, so she just kept on shopping. It felt as though the noise level in the store had dropped since she’d entered, everyone waiting to see what she’d do. One older lady she passed had whispered loudly to another woman standing next to her, and Kate distinctly heard the world homosexual uttered.

When she got to the meat department she felt like she was ready to scream. “Don’t let them see you angry, else you’ll just give them more to talk about,” someone said from behind her. She whirled around, only to see the now familiar face of Laura Kingston standing behind her. She felt the tension easy in her just a bit.

“I had hoped they’d have forgotten by now,” Kate said, her clenched teeth causing her jaw to ache.

“I’m sure they had until they saw you again.” Laura assured her, pulling her cart next to Kate’s.

“I’m surprised they even recognize me.”

“This is Wisconsin, Kate, not the artic. We get newspapers and magazines here too, you know. Everyone in town knows about your position at California Technology, Incorporate.” Laura leaned closer, as if sharing a secret, and Kate picked up the gentle scent of clean that seemed to emanate from the other woman. “And you want to know something else? When they aren’t pretending to still be shocked that you’re gay, they actually seem to be proud of you.” She straightened up and Kate’s eyes followed her every movement. “You are homegrown, after all.”

Kate instantly saw herself as a plant in soil, just waiting to be plucked. It was so ridicules, that after a moment she relaxed and began to laugh, Laura laughing with her. “Would you like to have lunch with me, Laura Kingston?”

“I would be delighted, Ms. Cougar. Or is it just Cougar?”

Kate winced. “Just Kate is fine.”

”Then I would be delighted, Just Kate.” Laura’s shit eating grin was too much, and Kate felt herself laughing again.

Chapter Five

Laura had seen Kate in the store as soon as she’d entered. She’d watched discreetly as the other woman quietly shopped, both of them noticing the reaction around them. Laura was all too familiar with how their small town worked, having left her own marks on Jackson and its population. She knew that if Kate allowed people to rouse her to response, then it would take even longer for the attention to die down. Despite her own nerves regarding the other woman, Laura had approached her. She was glad she’d been able to get the other woman to relax, but the lunch invitation had been something totally unexpected.

Now she was sitting across from Kate, trying to keep her nervousness under control as they perused the menus. Kate had insisted on driving to a slightly bigger town which would offer more selection, but Laura knew that Kate had just wanted to get away from the carefully watching eyes. While Wisconsin left things like dinners to the east coast, it did have its share of family restaurants which offered a lunch alternative to fast food.

“Do you two know what you want?” A youngish woman asked them, pen poised over her order pad.

They took turns ordering and then handed the waitress their menus. When she left, silence fell over the table, neither knowing what to say. Kate had to force herself not to look up and just take in the woman sitting across from her. Her memories of Laura Kingston were those of a child, but Laura was no long a child, and neither was she. Something about Laura truly intrigued her, making her want to know more about her. Maybe she could use a friend.

“Are you married, Laura?” Kate finally asked, figuring it was a safe question.

“No, are you?” The side of Laura’s mouth lifted in a quirky smile that Kate was already beginning to recognize it. It had come to her at the oddest moments after that day in the garden.

“I’m not involved, if that’s what you mean.”

“Pretty much. Thank you,” Laura said, looking up at the waitress as she delivered their drinks. Kate saw the subtle strength in Laura’s jaw. There was a faint scar above Laura’s eyebrow, making the woman seem all the more mysterious. When the waitress had once again left, Laura looked at Kate, arching an eyebrow. “I have a daughter, she’s ten.” A shadow passed over Laura’s face when she mentioned her daughter, her blue eyes seemed to cloud suddenly. But just as quick as it had come, it left.

“I don’t even have a pet.” Kate shrugged, taking a sip of her ice water. She felt as though she were foundering for conversation, something she wasn’t used to. Laughing softly, Kate shook her head.

“What?” Laura asked curiously, tipping her head to one side in question.

“I just don’t know what to talk about. I…I’m not used to casual conversations that don’t involve work.”

“Guess you’re going to have to work on that.”

It was Kate’s turn to quirk an eyebrow at Laura’s sauciness. “Does the whole town know why I’m home too?” She tried to keep the bitterness out of her voice, but didn’t succeed.

Laura covered one of Kate’s hands with her own. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bring up something so unpleasant.”

Kate tried not to stare at Laura’s hand on her own, not wanting the woman to know just how uncomfortable the touch made her, and yet not wanting her to remove her hand. “This is…it’s all new to me, I guess.” Her hand felt hot, the heat slowly creeping up her arm, making her feel as though Laura’s touch was going to burn her. Thankfully, Laura removed her hand before the burn started, but as soon as she did, Kate felt cold.

“Which part?” Laura asked softly, wanting desperately to keep her hand on Kate’s, wanting to take the other woman’s hand in her own.

Thinking about Laura’s question, Kate grimaced. “Losing my job, coming back to Jackson.” She almost added being alone, but she knew that wasn’t true. Just because she had been with Abby hadn’t meant she hadn’t been alone. She knew what it was to be alone and there was some kind of reassurance in the solidarity she seemed to surround herself with.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Laura asked, her voice still quiet, yet supportive in its steadiness.

Kate looked into her serious blue eyes and felt something strange move through her. It was a sense of longing. She dismissed it as a desire to make friends since she felt so alien in Jackson. “Not now,” she relied quietly. “Maybe another time.”

With a warm smile, Laura’s face seemed to brighten by some kind of inner light. “Well, you know where to find me. I’m right next door.”

They smiled at each other as the waitress delivered their food. By the end of the meal, Kate felt as though she’d made a real friend. Someone who didn’t want anything more from her than time. That was definitely a new concept for her. If she’d examined her feelings more deeply, she would have found a small bubble of something that she wouldn’t have recognized. It was a bud that had been waiting a long time to bloom, a bud that had found refuge deep in Kate’s subconscious years ago. And after the lunch with Laura the bud had begun to slowly open.

as requested

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 15:49:06 GMT

This is the sex scene that happens in the first episode of the first season after the man that Bette and Tina drag home finds out their plan and leaves. This was their first sex scene of the show! :D

WTF???

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 14:09:47 GMT

I am really disturbed about the bio of Jodie Foster I just watched on the Biography channel. I've loved Jodie's work for as long as I can remember, watching "Freaky Friday" and other Disney films when I wasn't much younger than she was when she filmed them. "Little Man Tate" I still contend, outside of "Silence of the Lambs" has been her best film yet.

Anyway, in this episode of Biography, this clearly gay man says that Jodie Foster has a lot on her plate personally because she's a SINGLE MOTHER! Previous to this sound byte, the show talked about how she has never been identified romantically with anyone. That doesn't mean that she isn't, or hasn't been, WITH anyone. We all know she's a lesbian. That she doesn't talk about it is fine. That's her choice as an individual and she has every right to her privacy. So, to have this man say that she is a SINGLE MOTHER is so disparaging to whatever relationship Jodie has with ANYONE. And I'm just so disgusted that Biography and A&E put this into what had otherwise been a pretty good biography.

original fiction, Refuge -- Ch. 2-3

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 14:59:11 GMT

Chapter Two

Life is much slower in the Midwestern states. It was like the United States is a giant candle, lit and burning at both ends. On either coast you had hubs of trend setters, the up and coming, the new and improved. Those ideas and concepts slowly faded outward to the middle of the country, like wax slowly being warmed and melted. Eventually touching the people there, subtly changing every day lives, but without the fast pace and electrically startling style of the coasts.

Even still, here and there you had small areas where things rarely changed, and the people liked it that way. On the surface, these small towns and boroughs were almost frightening in their seeming simplicity and innocence. But often, below that were complex relationships of tradition, longevity, and power.

Kate had grown up in a small town just like that, where neighbors still talked and people still left doors unlocked. Having been just 18 when she left, she hadn’t seen what was below the surface of her small town. She felt has if she’d been born jaded, born to see the flaws in everything around her, and yet she’d been blind, as most young are, to what was right in front of her.

She seemed to know instinctively for as long as she could remember that life wasn’t about being happy, but about power and money. Early in life Kate had value of being the best, or at least better than those around her, and she’d done whatever it took to achieve just that.

Yet, here she was, twenty years after leaving the town that never changed, never aged, returning with her proverbial tail between her legs, looking for asylum.

Jackson, Population 1906 the sign following the welcome sign read. Kate was surprised that the population had actually risen since she’d left. A whole fifty more people. She shook her head, forcing herself to laugh. Was she doing the right thing by coming here?

She could have just booked a flight to any remote destination in the world and have taken cover among strangers rather than returning to a place that remembered her, and not fondly. But when it had all begun to unravel, quickly becoming a mess, her only thought had been of returning home to Jackson. And she’d never questioned that till now.

The house she’d grown up in, like much of the town, had not changed. Most of the houses were built around 1900, each one with its own unique characteristics. Very much unlike the new, modern housing developments being put up around the country, Jackson’s houses and their accompanying plots were less organized and more random. There was something more relaxing in that haphazard way, something Kate had never appreciated before.

Down the quiet street she’d grown up on was JacksonGlacierPark, the real reason that the small town of Jackson could be found on any map. The park encompassed where glaciers, during the ice age, had carved out the land, creating various levels of relief in its wake. The park was mainly just trees, but there was a fantastic walking path and a bike path, both of which wound through the trees.

Stopping her maroon colored Lexis in front of a house that was both familiar and alien, Kate took deep breaths to center herself before getting out of the car.

“Mom?” Kate opened the unlocked front door. Smells of her childhood, of things long forgotten, rushed at her, leaving her dizzy and giddy all at once.

“Katie?” Her mother’s voice reached her before she actually came into view. “Katie!” Quickly reaching her daughter, Elaine Watson took her child into her arms, holding her tightly. “Oh, Katie! I thought you weren’t coming till tomorrow!”

“I can turn around and come back tomorrow if you want?” Kate couldn’t help but smile, pleased that her mother seemed to be happy to see her.

Lightly slapping her daughter’s arm, Elaine smiled back. “Don’t be silly! I’m just glad you’re here!” She couldn’t stop herself from reaching out and picking at Kate’s disheveled clothing, love obvious in each and every gesture. “Is your friend outside?” She tried to look passed her taller daughter, but didn’t see anyone.

“Abigail didn’t come with me.” Betraying no emotion in her voice, Kate didn’t meet her mother’s searching eyes.

“Is she coming later?”

“No, mom. She’s not coming at all.” The words came out harsher than she’d intended them to. She forced a smile, taking her mother’s hands in hers. “Guess you’ll have to put with only me.”

But her mother wasn’t fooled. With a gentle touch she patted her cheek. “I’m glad you’re here, Katie Ann.” There was a deep sincerity in her voice that made a lump form in Kate’s throat.

“Me too.”

Chapter Three

Wisconsin in late March, early April went through a deep thaw. Everything was usually wet or moist as the snow that had lain on the ground since late fall finally succumbed to the sun’s warmth and melted. Fields that had been ice patches slowly broke up and became fields again, leaving the ground spongy as it tried to absorb the mounting water. Everyone hoped that the melting snow would provide enough run-off to counter the hot, humid summer, preventing droughts that would threaten vital crops and manicured lawns.

Snow mobiles were put away and snow removal equipment was taken off trucks that had cleared driveways. Cars no longer needed to be plugged in at night to insure their starting in the morning. Slowly people put away their winter gear, never completely trusting that mother-nature wouldn’t dump a last minute blizzard on them.

Kate hadn’t forgotten the rituals of spring, but having been in California for so long, she had forgotten that spring was a season of planting and weeding. Her mother had already purchased trays of new flowers, ready to be put into the flower beds in the back yard. They sat in the small garage off the side of the house, patiently waiting until the perfect day came along for planting.

Kate had only been at her mother’s house when a beautiful, rare, warm day came along. Looking out the window over the kitchen sink, she saw that it was a beautiful morning, and decided that she was going to try some gardening to pass the time. Her mother’s annuals were already starting to come up, but with each plant that broke the ground, at least a dozen weeds came as well. Maybe communing with nature would somehow calm the beast that seemed to constantly be pacing through her. She’d heard that there was something peaceful in gardening, working with earth. She was willing to give it a try.

She decided right off that she hated weeds. They seemed to taunt her from their positions right next to the plants. They sometimes intertwined with the plant, like a lover in bed. But just when their lover was climaxing, they choked the life out of them. It reminded Kate of the movie Basic Instinct. She frowned at the dirt that had gotten beneath her short, manicured nails. “Where’s Sharon Stone when you need her?”

“You should try using gloves.” The voice was undoubtedly sultry, but it didn’t sound at all like Sharon Stone. Kate turned around, startled. There was a young woman standing at the gate leading into the fenced in back yard. “Hi, Kate. You’re mom told me you were coming back.”

The woman looked familiar. Her hair was a light brown with golden highlights which the sun seemed to hit perfectly. Freckles were sprinkled over her fair face, her blue eyes startling wide and clear. Kate felt something clench deep in her stomach. “Uh, hello.”

“You don’t remember me, do you?” The woman smiled at her, her mouth wide and her lips curved sensually.

“I don’t think that anyone could forget you,” Kate purred without thinking, reverting automatically to a flirtatious response, but there was more than a little truth in what she said.

The woman looked taken aback for a second, the smile slipping from her face, and a soft pink blush creeping across her cheeks. “Well, it would seem that you have,” she said gently, an echo of her previous smile returning.

“I’m sorry,” and she was sorry, both for her comment and for not remembering someone that she should. She had a sneaking suspicion that there were quiet a few people in town whom she wouldn’t remember, but as a former lover at once told her, she tended to be unforgettable.

“It’s okay. It’s been awhile and we were never close or anything. I’m Laura.” Laura stretched out a hand as she introduced herself.

“Laura Kingston,” Kate replied, remembering suddenly. “We used to play when we were kids,” she said somewhat hesitantly as the memory came to the forefront of her mind. Like a computer, she needed some reference in order to search for the right file. “You live next door.” She reached out to shake Laura’s hand, unable to stop her gaze from wandering up and down the woman’s lean frame. “You look a lot different from when we were kids eating mud pies.”

The laugh that issued from Laura’s mouth shivered up and down Kate’s spine. That, combined with the intoxicating nearness of Laura herself and the press of her soft hand in Kate’s nearly caused her to stumble. The visceral reaction to the other woman was not something that Kate had ever experienced before. Her knees were shaking.

“Are you okay?” Laura had noticed that Kate had gotten pale and that she seemed to be wobbly. She put an arm around Kate’s waist to steady her.

Feeling uncharacteristically ashamed of her sudden weakness, Kate took a deep breath and grounded herself. “Sorry, must be too much sun.” Realizing that Laura’s arm was around her, she stepped back, careful not to trip herself. She forced a smile, but inside she felt completely dismantled. “I guess I should be going inside,” she said abruptly.

“Oh, sure.” A confused look crossed Laura’s face, but she didn’t say anything. Something had happened, but she couldn’t fathom what. “Do you need help getting in?”

Embarrassed by the concern and feeling silly, Kate shook her head. “No, thank you. I’ll be fine.”

Laura looked as if she was going to say something, then she stopped herself. She smiled awkwardly. “I guess I’ll see you around then.”

“Sure.” Kate replied, wishing that she could run far, far away and never feel out of control like that again. With a smile, Kate walked steadily, but carefully into the house, never looking back. If she had, she would have seen the confusion on Laura’s face that mirrored the confusion in her own body.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Laura watched as Kate left, her own reaction one of joy and anxiety. While Kate hadn’t remembered her, there had been seldom a day in which Laura hadn’t thought about Kate at one time or another. Kate had been her childhood hero growing up. The older girl had been fearless, never letting anything stop her from getting what she wanted. When Laura had hit puberty her feelings had changed to something more than just hero worship. What some would call a crush, Laura never dismissed her feelings so easily. No, in truth, she’d been in love with Kate growing up and, she now knew just from that one shared moment, she still was.

sick :(

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 16:50:47 GMT

I hate being sick. Mostly because I have to force myself to rest. I would work through being sick, but with my freakin' epstein barr if I do that, I'll just stay sick and possibly get sicker. So, I have to baby myself and I really hate it. So, here I am, in bed. I know that if I just stay in bed and not do much I'll get better much quicker. But I don't have to like it, right?????

Interesting Article...Obama related to Pitt, Clinton to Jolie

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 15:47:41 GMT

Obama related to Pitt, Clinton to Jolie

By DENISE LAVOIE, Associated Press Writer Wed Mar 26, 12:02 PM ET

BOSTON - This could make for one odd family reunion: Barack Obama is a distant cousin of Brad Pitt, and Hillary Rodham Clinton is related to Pitt's girlfriend, Angelina Jolie.

Researchers at the New England Historic Genealogical Society found some remarkable family connections for the three presidential candidates — Democratic rivals Obama and Clinton, and Republican John McCain.

Clinton, who is of French-Canadian descent on her mother's side, is also a distant cousin of singers Madonna, Celine Dion and Alanis Morissette. Obama, the son of a white woman from Kansas and a black man from Kenya, can call six U.S. presidents, including George W. Bush, his cousins. McCain is a sixth cousin of first lady Laura Bush.

"You'd think with all that singing talent in the family she'd be able to carry a tune," Clinton's senior adviser Philippe Reines said. "But now it makes much more sense how she snagged a Grammy."

Clinton won for best spoken word Grammy in 1997 for "It Takes a Village." Obama also won a Grammy in that category this year for the audio version of his book, "The Audacity Of Hope: Thoughts On Reclaiming The American Dream."

Genealogist Christopher Child said that while the candidates often focus on pointing out differences between them, their ancestry shows they are more alike than they think.

"It shows that lots of different people can be related, people you wouldn't necessarily expect," Child said.

Obama has a prolific presidential lineage that features Democrats and Republicans. His distant cousins include President George W. Bush and his father, George H.W. Bush, Gerald Ford, Lyndon Johnson, Harry S. Truman and James Madison. Other Obama cousins include Vice President Dick Cheney, British Prime Minister Sir Winston Churchill and Civil War General Robert E. Lee.

Obama often jokes about his cousin Cheney at campaign appearances.

"His kinships are across the political spectrum," Child said.

Child has spent the last three years tracing the candidates' genealogy, along with senior research scholar Gary Boyd Roberts, author of the 1989 book, "Ancestors of American Presidents."

Clinton's distant cousins include beatnik author Jack Kerouac and Camilla Parker-Bowles, wife of Prince Charles of England.

McCain's ancestry was more difficult to trace because records on his relatives were not as complete as records for the families of Obama and Clinton, Child said.

Obama and President Bush are 10th cousins, once removed, linked by Samuel Hinkley of Cape Cod, who died in 1662.

Pitt and Obama are ninth cousins, linked by Edwin Hickman, who died in Virginia in 1769. Ben LaBolt, a spokesman for the Obama campaign, declined to comment on the senator's ancestry.

Clinton and Jolie are ninth cousins, twice removed, both related to Jean Cusson who died in St. Sulpice, Quebec, in 1718.

The New England Historic Genealogical Society, founded in 1845, is the oldest and largest nonprofit genealogical organization in the country.

only in New Jersey

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 21:17:33 GMT

Alright, so I've lived here on and off my whole life. What people who don't live in NJ don't understand is that people in NJ are a special kind of people. I guess being stuck between NYC and Philly, people here have developed their own sense of everything, but especially style.

For instance, I live in a very rural area of NJ and the other day, at the little local grocery, I saw a woman who had these faux suede boots that came up to her knees, were very fury along the top, with skin tight jeans and a tight fluffy shirt. She thought she was pretty hot shit, let me tell you. The question is, what the hell is she doin' wearing that crap to the little dinky store in the little dinky, rural town I live in??? These are the questions that go through my head.

Today, I went to a more urban grocery store and once again was knocked off my proverbial ass by the stylin' stuffs I saw. This woman, I swear I thought she was Cher for a moment. I'm not talking about the Cher we see in her everyday wear, but onstage Cher. She had this hair that must have risen at least a foot off her head, shellacked in place by, I'm sure, 3 bottles of Aqua Net. Her make up was thickly applied, with a fake tan that was turning orange. I was a bit frightened.

Another stylin' issue found in NJ, especially rural NJ is the butch straight women. You look, you THINK they are gay, but your gaydar's not quiet going off yet, and then you see them with their equally scary lookin' husbands. I think NJ must have the butchest straight women on the planet. Makes it EXTREMELY hard to be a lesbian because you get all thrown off.

I think that so many women in NJ are stuck in the 80s and they can't seem to find their way out. They have the hair that Bon Jovi used to have. This state must keep Aqua Net in business.

crazy

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 00:49:41 GMT

Today was just a helluva day. My car's in need of repair and was on its last legs this morning. Of course, I don't have the money to fix it, but I really put that into perspective and was thankful that I had friends I could catch rides with until I have the money. I was pretty calm really .

Then, there was an incident at work. Someone, trying to be encouraging, told me that I should move to NYC and live there and work at the NYC Public Library because they'd pay me good money plus pay for grad school. I appreciate the idea, but it's just not something that I can do, pack up my life and go.  I really have concrete goals right now and am happy with the way my life's going. Plus, I'm not the kind of person who can just go with the whim of the moment. I need and crave security. And while this person meant well, he just kept pushing, insisting that I could do it and I should just do it. Well, I'm the kind of person who looks at the logistics of a matter, and just packing up my life and moving is not logistically possible. The whole incident really upset me and I'm not really even sure why it upset me. I'd like to just blame PMS, but that might not be it. I just know that it really made me feel bad.

But, I have to remain within my own comfort zone until I'm done with school, then I can move to wherever the jobs are.  That's my plan, anyway.

Family Jewels...

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 13:13:20 GMT

When I first heard about Gene Simmons doing a show on A&E, I was totally turned off. But then, one day they had one of those marathons on and I saw Shannon Tweed (who is so hot!) and thought "Hmmm....he has good tastes!" I started watching. Since then, I have just enjoyed this show so much! Because I realize that Gene feels the need to have control over just about everything he is involved in, I realize that the show is probably not as spontaneous as they try to make it appear, but I really appreciate that Gene can totally make himself the joke of the show. His family is freakin' wonderful, too. And it is so rare to see anyone in Hollywood who's been together for 24 years that I really admire his relationship with Shannon. This show makes me laugh so much! Last night's episode was fantastic. Made me a bigger fan than I already was!

Goodbye, Mary

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 23:17:38 GMT

I live in a very interesting town. It's a small town, with all the blessings and curses of small town life. But it's also a very flavorful town. The blessing is that people are, for the most part, open minded.

When I moved here two years ago, I was quickly introduced to Mary, who lived in the same building I do. Mary...everyone knew Mary. Especially the cops. She was schizophrenic and, as is common, she would stop taking her meds and things would get very interesting. My roommates and I, since we were the newest inhabitants, became her newest interest. She quickly began telling interesting stories about us. For one, she was going around saying that my roommate was breeding genetically altered mice that she was training to make holes from our apartment to her apartment, and the walls were essentially a network of tunnels that these mice were digging so that we could break into her apartment.   Then, there was the story about my other roommate and the landlord chasing him down the street one night. Oh, and that the Hell's Angels were after him.

We would go for walks in the evenings and have to sneak in and out of our apartment so that we could avoid her. If she cornered any of us, it would turn into her accusing of us all of kinds of things and we just wanted to avoid the scene.

In the fall, we somehow became her allies and she'd sneak us notes (and cigs!) in our mailbox telling us the goings on. But she said that we shouldn't be seen talking because then they would know that we were on the same side.

It was amusing and sad at the same time. She had a son who wanted nothing to do with her. Toward the end of her stay here the ambulance was called every night for at least a week. She tried to kill herself numerous times and then on top of that she was falling a lot. After the Christmas holidays she was gone. Rumors are that she was put in a home somewhere, which is good because at least people will be there to take care of her, but so sad.

Today was the first nice day in a long time so I went on a walk. When I got back to the apartment, I almost started to take evasive Mary maneuvers. But then I remembered that Mary is gone. So, goodbye Mary, wherever you are. I wish you well.

new story that I'll be posting...ignore if you'd like :)

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 00:08:27 GMT

I'm positing this story here that I'm working on a bit at a time. If anyone's interested, read it. If not, that's fine too. Feedback is welcome if you want to comment. If not, that's cool too! :)

REFUGE

Prologue

She watched as the older girl packed up her car. Biting her lip, she desperately wanted to go to her, to tell her. But she was too afraid. Too afraid of the sting of rejection.

The seniors were all supposed to be on their senior trip. They were going to go camping for a few days before heading to Chicago to catch a plane to Florida. The trip was extravagant, as far as senior trips went, but that was also the perfect word to describe the senior class of 1980. Extravagant.

But the seniors came back early. She’d heard her parents talking about it, the neighbors were talking about it, her friends were talking about it; everyone was talking about it! She didn’t understand what the big deal was. They said it was because she was only 15 and couldn’t understand what it all meant. But she did. She understood more than any of them.

So what if Kate and Sara had been caught having sex? She’d seen them kissing all the time in the park. She’d even seen Kate’s hand under Sara’s shirt once. She wasn’t too young to understand. What she had never understood was why she always wished she were Sara, kissing Kate with Kate’s hand under her shirt?

She looked down at her own flat chest, knowing that Kate would never find anything of interest there. Her mother said that she’d be a late bloomer, just like she was. Sighing, she resumed watching Kate pack up her car. The whole town knew, Kate was leaving, and she just didn’t understand why the most interesting person in the entire town had to leave.

Her eyes filled with tears as she watched Kate get into the car and drive away, wishing she could go with her.

Chapter One

Failure was always painful. Then why was the ache within her so surprising? Just a little longer, she kept telling herself, just need to hang on a little bit longer. Then what? What would happen?

Refuge, she thought. Refuge.

She closed her eyes to the onslaught, carefully focusing her energies on the thoughts of refuge, not allowing the despair to swallow her, although the threat was there.

Her office, once her place of peace and control was becoming more foreign by the second as she displaced her own feelings and detached her emotions from what was going on around her.

Outside the door leading into her corner office, she heard Betty her secretary raise her voice. “You cannot go barging in there!”

Yes, they can, Kate thought to herself, a smile playing on her lips.

Only brief seconds went by before Kate’s office door was thrown open.

“You’re time here is up, Kate!” There was no doubt to the joy in the man’s voice. He’d done the impossible. He’d knocked the Cougar from her position of power. Thanks to the mega sale of CTI months earlier, he’d found an ally just as eager to see the Cougar fall as he was.

“Thanks, Hal. I’ll be out by the end of the day.” Kate’s calm façade seemed to take some of the power from Hal’s storm. Kate started to move things around on her desk. She’d already sorted most into piles. Those she’d take with her, those she’d leave behind, and those that would be shredded before she left. Noticing that Hal was still standing here, she gave him an icy glance. “Anything else, Hal?”

“Jackie wanted you to be escorted out by security.” He smirked. “But I told her that not even the Cougar had the balls to take anything from the building.”

“Thank you for your vote of confidence,” she said dryly, not rising to his bait. No, her famous temper was going to be in check today. The decision wasn’t hers. And truthfully, with her position and knowledge of the company, it would make better sense for the escort out. But Hal was right. Not about her lack of chutzpah. No, that she had in abundance. It was simply that she was done. No more fighting it. No more trying to regain what was no longer hers. The Cougar was lying down. Kate was going home

~~~~~~~~~

“I’m not going with you to your mom’s.”

Kate turned her head slowly to look at her lover, Abigail, somehow not surprised by her definitive statement. “I wish you would reconsider,” she said quietly, resuming packing.

“Why, Kate? Do you really think that anything would change if we left L.A.?” Abigail motioned with her hand. “I mean, if we pack this all up and move, aren’t we just packing up the same troubles and problems, only to open them somewhere else?”

“That’s very astute of you, Abby,” Kate replied dryly. “Were you watching Dr. Phil again?”

Crossing her arms over her chest, Abigail glared at Kate. “Make jokes all you’d like. I know it’s a defensive mechanism. Nothing that you say will change the fact that I’m not going with you.”

“No, it’s obvious you’ve made your decision.” The pretense of packing through what appeared to be their breakup was forgotten as Kate stood up to face Abigail.

Both around the same height, the women glared eye to eye, each of them looking for the other to give just a little. Kate saw little of the woman who’d demanded her attention nearly two years ago. Their relationship hadn’t been based on an emotional foundation, but rather on the steaming hot sex that they’d produced during their first encounter. Lust can often feel like love. But now, staring at Abigail, Kate knew it had never been about love for the other woman. A piece of Kate’s heart broke off as the realization hit her, leaving her all the more vulnerable.

Defeated, Kate squared herself, refusing to let Abby see into her world. “I’ll have the lease put in your name tomorrow then.”

There was a fleeting sense of relief visible in Abigail’s face. “That won’t be necessary. I have somewhere else to stay.”

This time, Kate didn’t try to hide her surprise. “My, you move fast.” She gracefully moved forward, closing the distance between them. The heat that seemed to inevitably surface began its enticing dance. Kate saw in Abigail’s eyes that she’d felt it too. Two years hadn’t cooled it, but Kate didn’t feel herself giving into it as she usually did.

Eyes dimming as the lust filled her, Abigail reached for Kate. Kate allowed herself to be pulled into her embrace, but she made no move to return it. “Why can’t you just stay here?” Abigail whispered into her ear, the warmth of her mouth sending shivers down Kate’s spine. “We could make everything perfect again.” Abigail’s hands slid up and down Kate’s back in a familiar way, leaving Kate longing for ignorance.

“I can’t stay here, Abby. I can’t.” Abigail’s hands stopped their movement. Kate gently pulled away, unable to stand feeling what she’d lost long ago. “Go to your lovers. I’ll be gone in the morning.”

Abigail watched her, tears in her eyes. “I never thought I’d see you run away from anything. You know, the others call you the hunter. You’re the one always going after others, always taking people with you or leaving them in your wake. I never thought I’d see you give up and sulk away.”

Shaking her head, Kate smiled sadly. “Sometimes there are wounds too deep to be healed. And sometimes we all need to find refuge.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hours after Abby had gathered the few things in their shared apartment that actually belonged to her, Kate sat in the silence of her home. When had it all gone wrong? Kate believed firmly in creating her own destiny, yet she couldn’t put her finger on when she’d taken the turn that had led her to the road she found herself on now. Everyone has defining moments, moments where the decision you make will forever change the direction of your life. When had she made that kind of decision?

Looking around her, Kate felt a weary smile tug at her lips. She’d loved the apartment from the first time she’d seen it, almost ten years before. It had just barely been affordable then, but she’d made the sacrifices necessary and had gotten the apartment, determined to one day be worthy of it. More recently people asked her why she hadn’t moved on to something bigger, something more fitting of her station. She would only shake her head and give them a memorable smile and say, “because it’s home.”

“Not anymore,” she said a loud to the empty apartment, sadness vying for attention along with the other emotions that threatened to overwhelm her. Most of her belongings were packed up, ready to be taken to the storage unit she’d rented. Those items that she wanted to take with her were packed in only two suitcases, more than she’d had when she’d arrived.

Walking around one last time, she allowed herself to grieve for her home, but she also allowing herself some closure to this place that so represented her own history. She gently petted the walls, silently saying goodbye as she did.

When she lay down for the last time in a bed that had seen her with many woman, but few repeats, she closed her eyes, thinking that the next day would be easier. And the one after that even easier, and so on. Kate was looking forward to easier. Without a doubt.

tgif

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 02:55:37 GMT

It's been a really hard week. I'm just glad it's over. I'm trying to do the Pollyanna thing and look at the bright-fucking side of things. So here's my list of good things that happened this week:

1. found OurChart, which has been insightful and fun

2. ummm...oh yeah, my first meeting of the HFH chapter I started went amazingly well with a huge turn out

3. Bette and Tina (nuff said)

4. I didn't cry as much as I thought I would this week, which makes me feel much stronger considering everything that went on

Okay, see, I feel better already. :)

where did my mind go?????

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 20:30:37 GMT

UGHH!!!

I've tried...I've really tried....

But I can't seem to do it!!!

I cannot get Tina and Bette outta my head!!!!

Ugh...

Obsession is too much for me. I don't have time for obsession! Yet, every f****ng season it happens! Every season I get wrapped up in these two and I can't help myself!!!!

Argh...

Now...NOW!!!! Season finale???? I can't handle it! NO NO NO!!!

<puts her fingers in her ears and sings this is the season that never ends...it goes on and on my friends!!!!!!>

creativity

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 16:37:13 GMT

There are days when I feel so creative, and yet I cannot seem to get that creativity out. I used to write, I'd like to write again. And yet, I try and find myself unable to use this outlet as I used to.

What happens in our lives that stymies our creative juices?

What happened in my life?

A helluva lot.

Today...TODAY...I feel creative. I want to create, I want to put on paper the talent I know I have. And yet, I can't.

Where does that ability go when it leaves us?

Does it truly leave, or is it lurking under the surface, under the layers of emotion and living, unable to come out because something, something that I cannot touch or feel with mortal hands, prevents it.

Where does it go?

so many thoughts, so little time....

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 03:35:31 GMT

My first entry has got to be about Tibette! I can't help it, I'm obsessed with this relationship. I think it's because Tina and Bette remind me so much of my ex/not ex/ex. Yes, our relationship is confusing. She's Bette and I would play the Tina role, although I think Tina's character is much smarter than I am! :-P

Last night's episode was just so fantastic. The elevator scene got me so excited that they were getting them back together that I didn't sleep. That was a pain in the ass.

I've always, from season 1, wanted them together...when Bette cheated on Tina, I felt betrayed myself! And then all the shit inbetween...drama drama drama...but, as much as I hate drama, I recognize that without drama you don't have life.

Anyway, I know this is completely stupid because Tina and Bette (who is so damn hot!) are FICTIONAL characters. How sad that the only lesbians I can find around me to relate to are fictional??? Oh my....

It's past my bed time and I should log off. Just wanted to get thoughts from my head onto "paper".